The last time I had sex was with a guy I really liked, I
really, really wanted to make things work with him. Instead, he ended up
breaking my heart. After he broke up with me (because he just stopped calling),
I went with three kids, all very well, all with the intention that we would
have sex with time. We did other things in the meantime - but never got there.
The first meeting with another person, the second was
recovering from a relationship to himself and the third broke up with me via
text message, putting me back in the same place where I was before.
However, I quickly realized I was not expecting these guys. I
was hoping to be ready for the real thing - and being able to trust people
again. And I had sex, and it was amazing.
Here are some notes from a year without sex:
1. There are plenty of other ways to make sure you are
satisfied. When someone fails you, God invented the vibrator to give you the
most heavenly pleasure possible; doing things that mortal man cannot. Have you
ever seen a penis vibrate? No, because that would be weird. If so, you should
probably go to a doctor.
2. It is technically impossible to swallow their feelings,
but you can certainly try.
3. We all feel great on days when we dress well and a guy we
turn to look at us, but do we know what is more sexy? When you look like crap
and sexy boy want to do with you anyway. However, what is more sexy is when you
do not need a man to feel attractive.
4. There is a consensual way to get a man to have sex with
you: Ask and receive consent. There are a million ways not to have sex with
you. The stupidity is infinite.
5 Ability to make decisions that might not be proud has
nothing to do with whether or not you are having sex. I made a lot of terrible
decisions without the benefit of sex at the end.
6. Porn can be a substitute for the nights alone.
7. You can have sexual dreams about almost anyone.
8. Moreover, when you have not had sex in a long time, almost
everybody is appealing to you.
9. You will need to maintain a rigorous schedule as to when to
masturbation when you have not had sex for a long time, like you're training
for a kind of Olympics masturbation. This is not for the faint hearted.
10. If you do not have enough time for masturbation (or cannot
masturbate for some awful reason), you can always clean the house.
11. There is more to life than sex. You can think about sex,
talk about sex and talk to someone about other things (like your mother or
first grade teacher) with the hope that this will eventually end up in sex.
12. Yet much time petting is preferable to sex, especially in
the evenings where you have nothing better to do.
13. The greatest achievement of your adult life will be the
day you realize that you do not have to have sex with someone to get that hug.
14. No timeline on when to have sex with someone.
15. In life, it is best to find other people who are on the
same wavelength as you, if you are in a mode of relationship and not want to
connect, why are you going out with the guy who "just want to be casual in
this time?". Some people want the same things you want, and you may want
something else.
16 If you two are not compatible physically right away, you
can work on it, giving instructions and advice. Particularly oral sex, because
it seems that nobody knows it right. You, however, cannot fix a bad kisser.
Physical intimacy with a bad kisser is like trying to make a birthday cake
without preheating the oven. You just end up with a heavy cake, and there's
nothing worse than a bad cake.
17. Breaking a man because he is a bad kisser may seem a
shallow movement ("But he's so smart!"), But will feel much better
after having kissed someone else. There is no substitute for real intimacy.
18. Do not force your relationships. If something really is
not working, it is better to leave it there than to keep trying without having
results.
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